Day 10 ... and day 9... or 8... I don't even know anymore.
Well, I made it to the last ten days of this project before everything fell apart.
In the past few weeks, my job responsibilities changed, I was finishing up home renovations, dealing with car issues and restructuring my finances. Throw in a couple of unexpected business trips (with fun travel snags) and a general feeling of being perpetually overwhelmed, and what do you have? Yep... the flu.
In case you're wondering, there is nothing more glamorous than getting sick while on a business trip (I think it's where zombies are made). To add insult to injury, I was so physically depleted by being sick and traveling that I wasn't able to post on this blog yesterday (day 10).
WHAT? The very first rule of this project was that I'd post EVERY DAY no matter what. How could I let this happen? It was my last thought as I fell into a cold-medicine induced coma for the night - and my first thought this morning.
So, imagine my frustration tonight when I tried to play catch up and discovered that I completely botched the daily numbering on my posts. I mean... 90 days is a finite period of time, so it doesn't really matter. But, looking back at the entries, it was like I was on cold-medicine half the time! I just spent an hour figuring out where I went wrong and fixing all the posts to match the correct day.
In the end, I had a decision to make. Do I pretend it all never happened and just move forward? Do I ditch the entire thing? Start over?
Nope... I guess this is just where I get real. Oh well... I got sick and something had to give. The fact that it was my daily blog post (especially so close to the end) is disappointing. But, the rule is that I make the rules... I did what I had to do.
But geesh... I stressed over it like one of those mean "Dance Moms" on TV. You know the ones... the mean moms who pace and yell insults and put downs. They constantly make their kids feel less-than perfect regardless of how wonderfully they performed? They are the ones we laugh at and shake our heads at...
Oh, sweet baby cheeses... I have been my OWN DANCE MOM!
Do you feel that? It's different than just realizing I'm too hard on myself. It's not the same as some "I'm good enough and smart enough" kind of epiphany. It's bigger than that... it's like the other half of a long standing mystery.
(Seriously... I'm sitting here staring at the computer and figuring out where to go from here!)
Okay, so let's take this one step at a time. Even though I use kind words (most of the time) for my inner dialogue... my inner expectations are unrealistic. Like the Dance Mom's on TV, nothing is ever good enough. Even though I always do my best to grow and to change in positive ways, and I strive to become a more well-rounded person, the goal has NEVER been to achieve perfection. But that's what I was doing to myself.
I was SAYING one thing... but I was feeling another emotion completely. Good grief... I've been my own evil dance mom and didn't even realize what I was doing to myself.
**sitting here wondering what to do next**
Oh HELL NO... It's time to make a VERY REAL change. It's time to learn to believe what I am saying, and apply it to myself.
There is great value in being a "driven" person. But, not if it means being driven crazy. I will ALWAYS want to do well and work to improve myself... but I have to find a happy medium where my expectations of myself are authentic and realistic.
"Dance Moms" RUIN dance for their kids. I've been doing that to myself and I have to STOP. I have to dance through life because I love it... not because I have to. I have to fire my inner Dance Mom.